Inside look at my life…

 

This post is going to be rather lengthy, so hang in there. I may end up making it a two-part series. I’m adding this song because it basically describes this post rather well, and I just love the song. I’m going to change the names of the people in this blog, because if I end up famous, they don’t need to be! HA! This is an inside look at my life and what I’ve been dealing with for the past 4 years!!! I think its time I speak out because I can’t deal with it or keep my mouth shut, anymore. I’m tired of looking like the bad person when I’m not, OR people saying I’m too “young and immature,” and I need to “grow up.” No, there is no growing up. It’s what I have seen and what I have felt for the past 4 years. It’s time to move on and hopefully someone will love me and my son without “baggage.” Here we go….

It all started in April of 2013. Well, technically March, around Easter. That’s when I met Ryan. I had maybe known him for 5 days, when his baby mama, Kelcie decided to be the way she has been for the past 4 years. I was at his house one night, his roommate was there and a couple of their friends and we were all just hanging out. It was the night before Easter. I asked Ryan if he had any Easter plans, and he said no. So, therefore, I invited him to spend Easter with me and my family. Also, I didn’t know anything about his daughter or his baby mama at the time. Well, Ryan spent Easter with me and then all hell broke loose that night. Also, he was talking to some girl while hanging out with me, and that was a big red flag but I didn’t pay attention to it because he said “he really cared about me.” I should have just never talked to him again, after I found that out. Anyways, back to Easter night. I took a picture of him by his truck that day because he asked me to. And, I uploaded it to Facebook. Well, his baby mama comments on it and said something like “How nice of you to call your daughter and tell her Happy Easter…” or something along the lines of that. I deleted it. I didn’t know her, and sure as heck didn’t want the drama, but I got it regardless. Calm down bag of crazy! I know nothing about you or his daughter at this point, so she messages me!! The message states “Hey! So I see you are Ryan’s gf, or whatever, but just to make this clear, unless you see this being serious and going somewhere then there is no reason for you to be around my child.” Okay, I didn’t plan on it, crazy pants! Ryan isn’t allowed to move on and be happy, but you are allowed to get married and have your daughter call that man “daddy” who isn’t even her father. Gotchya! Also in the beginning, she was texting Ryan saying I was a slut who partied all the time. Okay. You don’t know anything about me. At the time, I was doing CNA classes 5 days a week from 8-4:30. Any “partying” I did was at my sister’s house, watching movies, drinking on a few drinks and playing with my nephews. I partied SO HARD! It all makes sense, right? Not even maybe! We talked and both stated we didn’t want the drama but I guess that was a joke. Time passed and we had no problems.

Fast forward to summer of 2013. Ryan was working in Illinois.And, I went up there with him. Kelcie found out and got mad. I’m sorry that he’s in Illinois working and not hanging out with his daughter? I’m an adult. I can got to Illinois if I want to. Me being in Illinois isn’t preventing him from seeing his child. That has nothing to do with me. He’s working to give himself and his daughter a good life and I’m a girlfriend who missed her boyfriend so it’s okay that I went. While we’re up there, Kelcie decided to hack into his Facebook but blame it on “someone sent me this.” They decided to read Ryan and I’s messages. In the beginning of our relationship, we had talked about marriage and babies. I sent him a message that said “You went to bed, I guess. I’m still mad just at the fact that you think I’m gonna cheat on you or leave you. I understand you have bills and shit but quit questioning my love for you. You didn’t think twice about fucking Kelcie and having a baby with her and you weren’t even married. You may have been with her for years, but I know I treat you 10x better than she ever thoughts about treating you. (Just my opinion from what he had told me at the time.) I’m not gong to leave you unless you leave me so get that little thought out of your head. Just quit taking me to look at rings until you’re ready to buy me one, because I know I wanna marry you, and all it’s doing is getting my hopes up and that’s not fair to me. I love you. Goodnight.” I didn’t say anything bad about her. I only thought I treated Ryan better because of what he had told me. These were OUR messages anyways! After hacking into his Facebook and seeing this, she sends me, “Someone sent me this! & I really don’t appreciate you “thinking” you know  SO much about mine and Ryan’s past. You know nothing but what Ryan has told you, in case you’re too young to understand, there are two sides to every story! & at one point Ryan and I were extremely happy together for several years & have a child together! If you have a problem with that now then I can tell you, you won’t last. If y’all are having problems, that is not my fault. There is NO need for you to speak my name.” Well, 1. You’re the crazy one that hacked into his Facebook and read our personal messages. Isn’t that a felony or something?  And, 2. No I do not have a problem with you, but I do have a problem with the fact that he has a girlfriend now and you felt the need to hack his Facebook because he’s not allowed to move on and be happy like you did. And, from what I have seen, you were messing around with your now husband the entire time you were with Ryan. So 3. The only conclusion I can come to is that you’re still in love with Ryan. With all this being said, Ryan had NOTHING to say and didn’t stick up for me after Kelcie jumping down my throat. Needless to say, I didn’t stay in Illinois much longer after that and I went to live with my sister in Mississippi. I bet Kelcie was happy. I bet she thought I was gone for good. But, I wasn’t! I moved back to Arkansas in September of 2013. I got me a job and I focused on my own life. Things were going good for a little while. At the end of 2013, me and Ryan went through some stuff that I don’t like to discuss because it still eats at me to this day. WELL, Kelcie found out and decided to voice her opinion about it to me! First off, it’s none of your business and doesn’t concern you. Secondly, since when did you become part of MINE AND RYAN’S RELATIONSHIP? I didn’t know he had two girlfriends. Why don’t you sit back?! I’m the girlfriend. You’re just the baby mama who isn’t over Ryan and he isn’t over you.

2014 rolls around. Things were good for a little while. She actually helped me study for one of my college finals one night, and I finally thought we had crossed the bridge of drama, but I was wrong. As far as I can remember, I don’t think we had any beef in 2014. Except Ryan still talking to her like they’re best friends. Me and Ryan had the problems in 2014, not me and Ryan’s married ex-girlfriend. I was around their daughter a lot, and we didn’t have any problems. 2015 was when more problems started. Ryan has talked to numerous girls behind my back. And, he lies to me. So, of course, he can’t be trusted. Not by me anyways. It was Summer of 2015. Ryan took his daughter to the lake one day while I was working and decided, let me invite Kelcie and her husband and her daughter with her husband. They went and then ALL  had dinner, together. And, he lied to me about it because he knew it wasn’t going to make me happy. I’m sorry, but am I wrong for not being okay with that? You’re ex’s. You’re not supposed to hangout, and it bothers me because I can clearly see they’re still  in love with the way they light up around each other. Another hot summer day of 2015, me and Ryan take his daughter and one of her friends to the lake. As we’re sitting there taking a break from swimming, he decides to text Kelcie and tells her to come to the lake and hangout. Ummm, no? I was not okay with that! I only had one day off work. The last thing I wanted to do was sit at the lake and watch Ryan and Kelcie flirt with each other while Ryan and I were supposed to be hanging out. I thought I was his girlfriend?

Another summer day of 2015. We had Ryan’s daughter at the house with us and her mom and “dad” were on their way to come pick her up. Ryan was grilling at the moment and decided “I’m going to invite them to come in and have dinner with us.” No?… We aren’t a family with them. They can go eat something at their house. Well, I told him I was leaving if he invited them and he said that he would leave me if I left, so I stayed. Why? I don’t know, now. They came in and had dinner. I don’t know about anyone else, but it was awkward for me. As we were having dinner, Ryan talks about his cooking. He says “I love my seasoning on any meat that I cook.” Kelcie says “Yeah, I know….” Like, okay we get it, y’all dated for 4 years and have a past. You know “everything” about Ryan.

Besides that night, things were good. I kept his daughter a couple of times while he was gone working, and we actually had a lot of fun. I was being the grown up and trying to develop somewhat of a friendship with his ex and their daughter. And, it worked for a little while. Towards the end of 2015, shocker, we found out I was pregnant. Kelcie texted me and actually said Congratulations. I thought she was going to try to kill me or something since Ryan can’t have anyone else in his life.

2016, I was a month or so away from having my son. Hormones kicked into high gear. I was mad at Ryan all the time for everything. Mostly because he would lie to me about little things. His daughter had a field trip. Ryan drove both his daughter, and Kelcie to the field trip which was about 30 minutes away from where we live. Of course, I was uncomfortable about that situation once again, because THEY STILL LOVE EACH  OTHER. He lied to me about it. I’m sorry, but if I was married now, I would politely tell my ex no, that I wasn’t going to ride with him and explain to my child why. We had numerous fights before I had my son. Ryan and I that is. And, a couple of them happened while his daughter was at our house. One escalated quickly and I threw stuff at Ryan. His daughter was in the truck so she didn’t see any of it but me yelling at him and throwing a shoe at him from the porch. But, she ran home and told her mommy. Therefore, her mom jumps down my throat, basically telling me I need to leave because that is Ryan and (daughters name) house. Umm, no? I’m his girlfriend. I live here now, too, because we have a child on the way.

In June of 2016, we welcomed our son. And, we named him after his dad which I highly regret. I didn’t want his daughter up there because I knew she was going to be bored, and in the process of me having my child, Ryan had to leave to walk his daughter down stairs because her ride was there to pick her up. Nothing made me more mad than that, and that’s why I didn’t want her there. I had to have a c-section and of course, Ryan blamed me. When really, I just couldn’t push my son out because his head was too big, haha.

We got home from the hospital and Ryan didn’t help hardly any. I was just cut open and getting in and out of bed at night to feed and change my son while Ryan was arrow-head hunting with his best friend. I ended up going back into the hospital after I had my son, I think because I wasn’t able to rest like I should have after having my son. Of course, I got bitched at by Ryan for that one, too. I was sick, and I had a stomach infection as far as I’m concerned. The last thing I wanted was to be yelled at. Ryan let Kelcie come in the house and see our son. Which, angered me. She never wanted me around her daughter so why should I let her around my son?

After having my son, I struggled with PPD, and I was having a tough time raising my son. I was sad all the time. I felt worthless. I thought about taking my own life numerous times. I didn’t have any help. My mom, my dad, and my sister work. They have their own life. And, I didn’t want to bother them. So. RYAN AND I, made the adult decision to move in with his mom, 3 hours away from where we were living. Not only would I have some help with my son while I fixed myself and my PPD, but it would also help us save money. HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE DRAMA! It was my fault that we moved and Ryan told Kelcie that we were moving because I couldn’t take care of my son. She texted me and said “How nice of you to be moving Ryan 3+ hours away because you can’t handle being a MOM!!! (Daughters name) barely gets to see her dad as it is & now it’ll be more difficult! You’re fucking pathetic!” I said “Me? I’m guessing Ryan didn’t tell you it was his decision to move? Seriously, divorce your husband and go be with your Ryan, or get out of his ass.” She then said “Because ‘you get stressed out and need help taking care of the baby.’ That’s why Dora spent the weekend bc you can’t handle it. Fuck you, Olivia.” I told her “Because I have post partum depression you dumb bitch. Before you wanna say shit to me, talk to me. It’s not my fault that we are moving.” Again, Ryan didn’t stick up for me, and no this isn’t all my fault. And, it’s not my fault that his daughter has to be away from him. You had your chance to be with him, numerous times. You even messed around with him while dating your husband. Why didn’t you drop your boyfriend (husband now) and get back with Ryan?! So, you have no reason to be up his asshole now. You moved on and he did the same. Get over it!! And, leave us alone. But, as far as I’m concerned, that will never happen.

I can’t tell you how many times I thought about taking my life after having my son because I have to deal with these people. I’m crying right now as I’m writing this because nobody should have to live a life-like this and I have for almost 4 years.But, I haven’t taken my life because I know I’m capable of great things for me and my son. I’ve seen Ryan get drunk numerous times and cry over losing Kelcie. How does that make me feel? Not good. I’ve seen him text her goodnight with smiley faces, and I’ve seen him message her saying he wants to be friends with her and wink faces, and him “accidentally” texting her “good morning, babe,” one time. He would always refer to her as Kelcie McDaniel (her maiden name) because he couldn’t handle the fact that she got married. I had to tell him to let go and start calling her now by her married name. It’s time to let go and move on. I have nothing right now. Mostly not a vehicle. But, I know if I go live with my sister, I’ll be away from this dumb drama and back to being happy. It’ll be hard because I’ll have to start over but is this really worth it? No. I’d rather pack my things and have nothing and start over with my life and find someone to love me and my son without his ex girlfriend having her head stuck up is ass. This is what she has wanted for 4 years. He doesn’t stick up for me and blames everything on me. I’m not going to live this depressing life anymore. My son needs a good and happy mommy, and I can’t do that living with this “ready-made” family. People told me from day one to watch out and not date Ryan. I wish I had listened but at the same time, I’m glad I didn’t because I wouldn’t have had my handsome son. He is my world. He is my only happiness. I’m changing my life and working on great things for him. I don’t want to leave his dad, but its the only way out for my happiness.I’m not going to let his ex trash talk to me like I’m some loser, anymore. I’ve told her and Ryan numerous times they shouldn’t have given up on each other. They both deny their love for each other, but as far as I’m concerned, none of this would have happened if they were over each other.

This blog is letting the world know, I’m not the bad person in any of this as they make me out to be. And, I’m done. I want to be happy and I won’t as long as I’m here. If Ryan decides to date again after I’m gone, that’s fine. But, I would get to know the girl before making her hate me. As long as my son knows who his mom is, that’s all that matters to me. What Ryan does with his life after I’m gone is none of my business as long as he is being a good father to my son. Someone should get off her high horse and take some notes.

 

 

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